There’s Nothing To Get

I just don’t want to write bullshitty things.

Feelings and other serious topics are not exactly my forte.

But in this moment, as my insides bounce around with the all too familiar panicking ache, I realize I NEED to write something.

Perhaps this is how Charlotte felt when she spastically sent out those response-less letters to her Belgian professor.

It’s a great reminder that those we admire most, were just as troubled.

Selfishness and anger are so easy, too. How many times have I nearly convinced myself to make a list? 20 times I bet. Yes, it seems like making a list of someone’s flaws would ease pain, but I know that tearing someone else apart will never make me or my situation better.

I’m so grateful for plants and trees. The oxygen they create so that I can take those deep breaths and calm myself is endlessly appreciated.

Then the silliest thing seems to pound in my head as I think a melancholy “I don’t get it…”

And the most comforting memory reapplies itself….

I remember what my Dad would say to me when I was a little girl. He would always reply, “There’s nothing to get.”


Once Upon a Time, I Had Goals of Becoming a Writer…

I remembered, today…. how I forgot that I want to be a writer.

The problem is, every time I resolve to write something, I suffer from lack-of-interesting-content syndrome.

It can be fatal.

Let’s talk about my diet, shall we? Diets are always a topic of interest.

Now, anyone who knows me would, at this very moment be interrupting with, “…wtf diet are YOU on, skinny b****.”

Well, it’s a FAKE diet, OKAY? I have commandeered the term diet for my health(ish) decision.

I love food. Always have. Always will. It’s an unbreakable bond…except for that time I had horrendous tonsillitis and could not swallow for a week…but we don’t talk about those dark days.

I also like coffee. In fact I would drink many cups of it a day ( and by that I mean many cups consolidated into one big cup). Luckily, for my poor malformed heart and it’s problems, I drink half-caf or decaf. Unluckily, for…all of me, I put ten tons of sugar in said misleadingly healthier coffee. Yeah. It’s not really a nutritious routine.

SO. I decided I would stop with the coffee flavored sugar and start drinking water and eating a bit-o-breakfast. Breakfast cookies. No, wait, wait, breakfast biscuits (That makes it sound much better). So, yeah, I traded out my sugary coffee for sugary chocolate protein fiber cookies that give me 4 hours of energy….or at least a solid 40 minutes.

It’s going well. In fact, I even enjoy my breakfasts.
And I also enjoy the other rule of my “diet” which grants me permission to drink coffee on my days off.

Hey. You didn’t really think I gave up coffee, did you?




She is NOT trying to die

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a film adaptation, too far strayed from the novel, will be heavily scrutinized by the story’s fanatics.

Jane Austen fanatics seem to feel this way about their beloved classics (and I would count myself among them) but it is classic gothic literature that really sends me into a fandom tizzy.

Jane Eyre is my favorite novel.  I have read it 3 times and have all of my favorite parts underlined. I have also seen most of the english-speaking film adaptations of the story and enjoy…. many of them -not all.
So, I have some amount of critical authority, right?
Or perhaps evidence of my mangled copy of the novel will help in convincing…

I love Jane because she is an exceptional role model. Though her motives are often founded on religion, I don’t think the reader necessarily derives religious sensibilities only, but instead,  those of  independence and free will. I also love that this novel was pseudo-feminist before feminism was even a categorical idea.

Of course I love Rochester too. He’s a Byronic Hero, so, indeed, he has many issues and is an incredibly flawed being. These characters are so emotional and passionate, and I cling to the Brontë sisters’ writing because they describe the internal universe like no other collection of words.

Jane is a character with so much conviction and strength and this is why I need to vent about one of my greatest frustrations….

WHY do film versions always make Jane seem suicidal!?

EVERY. VERSION. has a montage of her running away (maybe a bit of a carriage ride) and then just simply pathetically roaming the Moors waiting for death.


Obviously Jane is indeed tremendously heartbroken. She makes the difficult decision of leaving the person she is passionately in love with in order to live what she believes is a good and virtuous life.

It just seems as though the film-makers are trying to portray her as so forlorn over her lost love that she is starving and wandering the wilderness to her death. They write these versions as if to show that Jane HOPES to die. Those who love the story as I do, must also detest those portions of the films because here, in chapter 28, a completely different set of events occurs. Seriously! Read it again!  (or read it for the first time!)

Jane had to leave before dawn, cautiously and quietly in order to lessen the pain of the parting for both herself and Mr. Rochester.  She of course stumbles, despairs, and thinks of turning back, but resists. When she meets with a carriage, its journey costs more money than she has in her possession (though her smaller offering is accepted). SO… her money is completely gone AND THEN she remarks about how she has mistakenly left her belongings on the carriage and it is now a mile away.
Review: No money. No possessions.

She then looks for any type of work (with out references) that she can find in the town (ish, type place) she has been dropped. No real shocker…they don’t want to help a stranger who seems like a beggar woman – this scenario wouldn’t be much different for any woman today either, if you think about it.
Later still – now basically starved and drained from walking- Jane seeks help at a house asking to work as a servant.


I’m using capitals, you know I must be genuinely frustrated and confused.

I feel that this section of the novel is pointedly showing the reader the truth in her proclamations of ‘any honest work’ as well as her strong will in general. She truly wants to make a new life – even while despairing with a broken heart- she just simply did not have time nor the resources to plan her re-routing with the dignity she had hoped.

Poor planning, certainly, but not pathetic suicidal despair as the film-makers would have us believe.


Heart Break is Also Romantic

I hate mysteries and concealments.

A rather hypocritical statement from someone who has kept her life a secret from the very person she scolds.
Hypocrite or not, Helen Graham (Huntingdon) is now a favorite character of mine.

I’ve just finished reading:


it is a matter-of-fact that I feel deeply connected to the Brontë sisters.

My obsession with Charlotte Brontë’s Jane Eyre has been long and unwavering.  On the other hand,  Wuthering Heights (written by Emily) did not much resonate with me at all – though I was reading as a high-schooler and that girl is alien to me now. Then there’s Anne. Admittedly, I have overlooked Anne until now (why does that always happen to her? Poor girl).

From my understanding, The Tenant of Wildfell Hall is not the Anne Brontë novel with which readers tend to be most familiar.
Apparently, they read Agnes Grey and hate it.

And that is tragic.

Because, Wildfell Hall has easily become one of my favorite novels.

Gilbert Markham narrates the tale through his letters and through the diary entries of “the tenant” herself, Helen Graham (Huntingdon).

Helen arrives with her young son at the formerly uninhabited and run-down Wildfell Hall. She is beyond aloof, hoping to remain unacquainted with all of her new neighbors. Of course, this is completely scandalous, and becomes the main source of fantasy and gossip. Eventually we find that she is hiding from her emotionally abusive, adulterous, self-centered, and reckless husband.

But I am jumping ahead.

Mr. Markham falls in love with Helen almost immediately after their introduction. Her mysterious and stubborn habits draw his affections as inevitably as  you might assume. Her polite yet cold interactions, along with rumors of her attachment to her landlord (Mr. Lawrence) only help to spur on Markham’s feelings.

No sooner does he proclaim his passionate fervor for Helen, then he happens upon her strolling the garden with Mr. Lawrence himself, as they talk of the necessity of leaving the town and its annoying residents.

My heart was splitting with hatred

Markham says.
I love Anne’s descriptions.  The words are simple, yet they are so perfectly and eloquently written.

When will Helen’s story be demystified?

Worry not.
The center two-fourths of the book are Helen’s detailed diary entries which she has given to Markham in order to explain her subdued affections and other misunderstandings (particularly in her connection to Mr. Lawrence).

Helen fell in love with the wrong man. (Don’t we all?)
Despite warnings and protestations, she marries Arthur Huntingdon. Arthur is a flirt and an alcoholic. Helen is so much in love with him that she foolishly thinks she can help Arthur. Not long into their marriage she finds she has made a colossal mistake. BUT she has made her choice in Arthur and promises to endure and overcome all of the heartache and difficulties.

“Where do you want to go Arthur?” said I.
“To London,” replied he, gravely.
“What for?” I asked.
“Because I cannot be happy here.”
“Why not?”
“Because my wife doesn’t love me.”
“She would love you with all her heart, if you deserved it”
“What must I do to deserve it?”
This seemed humble and earnest enough; and I was so much affected, between sorrow and joy, that I was obligated to pause a few seconds before I could steady my voice to reply.
“If she gives you her heart,” said I, “you must take it thankfully, and use it well, and not pull it in pieces, and laugh in her face, because she cannot snatch it away.”

I don’t want to give too much of the book away, so I am keeping my summarization very minimal.
As much as I love Jane Austen, my heart is bound to the dark romances of the Brontë sisters.  The strength and integrity of their amazing female characters influences me in so many ways.  I definitely think I have read this particular novel at an opportune time and it has great significance to me personally.
Perhaps it might for you.

Now I am on to Shirley…. along with the other five books I’m reading.





It’s saturday night and I am somewhere near devastated.

My boyfriend and I can no longer be together.

And by boyfriend, I mean…

Truthfully, TCM has been closer to me than some boyfriends, so you might understand the confusion.

Up and down the guide I scrolled tonight, searching for my beloved station. But a replacement channel delivered the bad news… In a small description under the program information, it simply said: “Turner Classic Movies was removed by Turner Networks”


This is worse than a text message break-up (with which, I have unfortunately also had experience).

Apparently, Dish Network could not resolve contract issues with Turner Broadcasting (as the internet informed me), therefore, it lost several Turner affiliated channels. I’m sure to most Dish customers, this is no big loss. To me, it is the loss of the only fandom outlet for my off-center interests.

I only watch three programs devoutly on television: Project Runway, Downton Abbey, and TCM.
Considering that Project Runway and Downton Abbey both have 12 or fewer shows per series, you may deduce that watching films on TCM is at least 70% of my television watching regime. (please do not depend on any true math skills for these solutions because I certainly didn’t use any)

To say that this news is a blow, is putting it lightly.

Classic movies are not a common fascination for the average twenty-seven-year-old (as you might imagine), so I do not know many people who share my interests. Of course this doesn’t dissuade me in the least, after all, I could make the same assessment about most of my interests. But it’s not like I can get suggestions from friends or swap favorites with anyone.
TCM fulfilled this for me.

Best of all…


Well, I suppose it’s inevitable.

True love has been torn apart throughout history.
Perhaps we will someday be together again. Like when I have another cable provider.

Excites It to a Healthy and Lively Action

New York Times – Front Pages 1851 to ___ caught my eye when I was at the book store. I wanted to look at the papers from the 1850s for both the news of the time and the writing style. Of course, like newspaper readers of any time period, I was caught up in the advertising.

Look at the numerous and varied ailments this remedy promised to “cure”:


My personal favorite is “Imaginings of evil”.

Versatile indeed.

T’was She

I often look at newspapers.
I say look because I might read a story or two if they catch my eye but, truthfully, the pertinent use of my newspaper is to look for job opportunities. Every Sunday I am sure to scour through the classifieds to see if there are any potential openings.
Looking for jobs is like my fourth job.

The usual routine was not any different this Sunday as I leafed through the sections looking for Business and Real Estate once again. However, this time I was stopped by a familiar face with a recognizable mole.
Was it?
My eyes moved across the page to the bolded words printed next to the picture. There it was. Her name! And it was in my…. local… newspaper.


Marjane Satrapi.
An article devoted to one of my most influential authoresses and her work.
I was ecstatic.

My introduction to Ms. Satrapi’s work was in college where I studied children’s literature as a minor. I fell in love with her story-telling and her point-of-view. Her book Persepolis not only assisted to break me into the world of graphic novels, but also, to a small piece of middle-eastern history. Admittedly, with out her fascinating stories, I would have likely remained somewhat ignorant about Iran and its culture.


It was (probably) 2009 when I first read this book. I am not sure how widely known her work was at that time, but I had never heard of it or its author. Today, I find Persepolis in the “Must Read” section of most book stores. This being true, it is odd that I have not found many fellow readers of this enlightening book.
I suppose this is why I was so very glad to find an article publicizing her wonderful graphic novels and films.  (Yay!!)

Perhaps it should have been obvious, but this article had a local relevance that served its true purpose in the long run. It wasn’t just that this interesting author was being highlighted, but that she is soon to be in town as a speaker.

Oh, but how one’s hopes can raise up and drop down again in the matter of one solitary  paragraph…

“The Parisian will bring her world view to Toledo at 7 p.m. Oct. 22 when she’ll appear at Authors! Authors! in a question-and-answer format with Kurt Franck, executive editor of The Blade. The talk in the McMaster Center of the Main Library is sold out”




I am disappointed that it is a bit too late to have found that she will be speaking, BUT I am consoled in finding that the same speaker series will host another  important authoress of mine, Sandra Cisneros!
Come on April!

But that’s a discussion for another day.